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[destructio]

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[destructio]

No!

[ Hotaru snapped, but there was no real venom in her tone, she sounded more broken than brutal. ]

I don't believe you. What you did... it was monstrous. You are not the person who saved me from the haunted house. What you did was worse than killing me.

[samantha_grey]

It was monstrous. I won't lie and say it was. And I am the same person. Even if what I did was absolutely worse, and you shouldn't forgive me for it.

But I am a monster, Hotaru.

[destructio]

[ An audible swallow and a long pause followed. Eventually Hotaru replied in a voice just above a whisper. ]

But--[ The anger had quelled and turned to something much sadder, much more lost. ]--why me? I'm nothing, nobody. Why would you choose me out of everyone here? Because I'm new? Weak?

[samantha_grey]

I don't fall for weak girls, Hotaru. Something in you called out to me. I don't know what it was, but there's something special. Something unique. I felt a hunger, like it had to be you. [She definitely sounded a little defeated herself.]

[destructio]

[ Her response was noticeably delayed, the next few words were obviously difficult for her to say. ]

... I only wanted a friend in this place, someone to make sure I didn't get hurt. At least I know what it's like here now.

[samantha_grey]

Be... careful, Hotaru. You have no reason to trust me, but there are much worse things in this place than me. [She clutched herself.] And I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend. I'm... losing myself, the longer I'm here. I don't know how safe it is for most people to be around me.

[destructio]

I don't understand. Monsters don't feel remorse.

[samantha_grey]

I'm only half monster, Hotaru. I can sit here and rationalize why I know this part exists in me, why I usually control it better. How I almost never hurt others. But sometimes it gets loose... and the Maeve have tried hard to keep it near the surface.

I'm half demon, half human. And believe me, I can feel remorse.

[destructio]

[ Hotaru knew what it was like to lose control, to have "someone else" manipulate her actions, and the thought sobered her slightly. ]

I... understand what it's like to lose control.

But just because I understand it, doesn't mean I forgive you.

[samantha_grey]

I'm not asking you to. I don't deserve forgiveness for it, Hotaru. [She sighed and leaned back.] I... just wanted to say I was sorry, whether you believe it or not.

[destructio]

[ Pained, she says: ]

Stop that. Stop apologising. I can't stay angry with you when you're like that...

[samantha_grey]

Do you want me to only be the monster for you? To help you make sense of this? [She closed her eyes and sighed.] I can be the monster if you need it.

[destructio]

[ Dismayed sigh of her own this time. ]

You keep trying to make this better, why?

[samantha_grey]

Why shouldn't I? [She sounded confused, not really perturbed but at the same time they were both distressed.] I lost control, kidnapped and raped you while torturing you? Why shouldn't I want to do whatever I can to help ... I don't know, fix this, or at least give you some way to cope? If the best way to help is to go away and never speak to you again I'll do it.

But why shouldn't I want to make up for what I did?

[destructio]

[ That word was a trigger and without thinking she snapped. ]

Don't call it that!

That... isn't what happened, it was an accident. A series of accidents.

[samantha_grey]

... I... [Pause. Ok.] An accident, and I went too far. Is that what we want to call it?

[destructio]

[ Shallow breathing may just have been audible but what wasn't was how tightly Hotaru had been holding the phone with both hands or how glazed her eyes had become. ]

I--yes. Accident. That's... It was an accident.

[samantha_grey]

Then that's all it was. The Maeve were casting spells, and one of them let out the part of me I usually control better. That's all it was. Not a lie. Just... an accident.

[She swallowed.]

And you don't have to forgive me. I ... don't want to be forgiven. I just want to know what you want now.

[destructio]

[ She managed to calm herself after a few moments. ]

I don't know. I think I just want... some semblance for a normal life, even if it's just for a while.

[samantha_grey]

Gods. I can't give you that. It's never going to be completely normal here, Hotaru. I'm sorry. That's something you will find is very difficult to have at all here.

[destructio]

[ Her voice turned distant, removed. ]

I wonder why I was brought here, there's no good I can do here.

[samantha_grey]

They don't want you for good things, Hotaru. No matter how kind a couple of them try to seem, we're just here as their whores and slaves. This isn't a good place.

[destructio]

[ Despite everything that's happened she says, with a hint of her former conviction. ]

Places are difficult to live in, that makes people do questionable things, but I won't let it change me into someone I'm not. I'm not a bad person, and I won't do bad things to other people.

[samantha_grey]

You keep hold of that. Don't become a monster like me. I was born this way. You don't need to end up like it.

[destructio]

Sam, you may be different, or not entirely human but maybe that doesn't mean you are a monster. You can do monstrous things and not be a monster.

[samantha_grey]

Semantics. And semantics won't change what happened. [She swallowed.] I'm surprised you're still talking to me.

[destructio]

The fact that you're trying to make amends means something, Samantha.

[samantha_grey]

It's... kind of you to say that. Why... why don't we keep some distance for a bit. I'll wait for you to come and speak to me.

[destructio]

Maybe that would be best. Don't let the magic here do this to you, okay?

[samantha_grey]

You... will find it is very hard to resist them at times. [She sighed.] I think I'm going to go have something to eat. Try to rest, Hotaru. Thank you... for being understanding even when you have no reason to be.

[destructio]

Be the woman you should be.

[samantha_grey]

Not... easy here. But I'll try. I am supposed to be a hero, after all. Somehow.

[destructio]

[ Actual hint of a chuckle. ]

Don't you mean heroine?

[samantha_grey]

Eh? I don't have any poppy seeds right now but why wou... oh, right, heroine. Heh, very funny. [Because yeah... Sam was the sort of hero to get heroin and heroine mixed up.]

[destructio]

Poppy seeds?

[samantha_grey]

It's... uh, a terrible joke. If you don't get it, you don't want to. Trust me. [She sighed.] You're kind of ... innocent, aren't you?

[Ignoring that she'd made sure there were no more normal firsts left.]

[destructio]

[ Her proverbial hackles raised at that, she didn't like being thought of as innocent, especially here. ]

I know all sorts of things, I'm not naive.

[samantha_grey]

Don't take that the wrong way. I said innocent, not naive. [She swallowed.] An innocent heart wouldn't think of a joke... well, about heroin when someone called them a heroine.

I'm not very innocent, if you hadn't noticed.