destructio | Inbox

destructio

pm for ooc
e-mail/text/voice mail Hotaru here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

samantha_grey

I... don't quite know what came over me, Hotaru. [She swallowed hard.] I try very hard to control those urges. I'd understand if you never wanted to deal with me again.

(OOC: Cause let's be frank. She wouldn't wait days on this conversation.)

From:

destructio

[ She recalled the fear, how timid she was, how helpless she had been and... it made her angry and she hated Sam for it. Her response is late and falters but there's an obvious, cold rage in her tone. ]

You lied to me.

From:

samantha_grey

[Sam flinched and crumpled. Well, of course there was rage there. She'd fallen into temptation and unleashed that part of her on someone who hadn't asked for it, hadn't planned it out. Why wouldn't they be furious? She was talking, so at least there was that.

Sam waited to make sure she was entirely alone before listening and responding.]

No... I hurt you, a lot, but as far as I know I didn't lie to you. [She sighed, raking her fingers through her hair.] I'm part monster. I could blame the Maeve for putting me under some spell. They probably did, but that's no excuse. I should have resisted better.

[Besides which, she couldn't remember for the life of her how or when the Maeve had gotten to her this time. It had all felt so ... natural. After Umi? Maybe she was letting that part out too much.]

Edited Date: 2015-10-25 10:57 am (UTC)

From:

destructio

[ Hotaru was desperately making an effort to sound cold and unaffected but there were moments in her speech, or in the way her breath caught in her throat, that hinted at a pain that had lingered past the tonic. ]

Yes, you hurt me but you still lied. You it was like love at first sight.

[ There was a long pause when she had clearly pulled away, trying to compose herself out of earshot. ]

Why would someone say that to someone they're torturing.

From:

samantha_grey

[She reached up and gripped at her head, closing her eyes. The emotions had faded since the apple was gone, and been replaced with horror that she'd lost control like that. But what was she supposed to say? It wasn't a lie.]

You... don't want me to explain this, Hotaru, I've hurt you enough. It wasn't a lie when I said that. [And she was still attracted to her now that it had happened, in a demented way, and she hated herself for it.]

From:

destructio

No!

[ Hotaru snapped, but there was no real venom in her tone, she sounded more broken than brutal. ]

I don't believe you. What you did... it was monstrous. You are not the person who saved me from the haunted house. What you did was worse than killing me.

From:

samantha_grey

It was monstrous. I won't lie and say it was. And I am the same person. Even if what I did was absolutely worse, and you shouldn't forgive me for it.

But I am a monster, Hotaru.

From:

destructio

[ An audible swallow and a long pause followed. Eventually Hotaru replied in a voice just above a whisper. ]

But--[ The anger had quelled and turned to something much sadder, much more lost. ]--why me? I'm nothing, nobody. Why would you choose me out of everyone here? Because I'm new? Weak?

From:

samantha_grey

I don't fall for weak girls, Hotaru. Something in you called out to me. I don't know what it was, but there's something special. Something unique. I felt a hunger, like it had to be you. [She definitely sounded a little defeated herself.]

From:

destructio

[ Her response was noticeably delayed, the next few words were obviously difficult for her to say. ]

... I only wanted a friend in this place, someone to make sure I didn't get hurt. At least I know what it's like here now.

From:

samantha_grey

Be... careful, Hotaru. You have no reason to trust me, but there are much worse things in this place than me. [She clutched herself.] And I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend. I'm... losing myself, the longer I'm here. I don't know how safe it is for most people to be around me.

From:

destructio

I don't understand. Monsters don't feel remorse.

From:

samantha_grey

I'm only half monster, Hotaru. I can sit here and rationalize why I know this part exists in me, why I usually control it better. How I almost never hurt others. But sometimes it gets loose... and the Maeve have tried hard to keep it near the surface.

I'm half demon, half human. And believe me, I can feel remorse.

From:

destructio

[ Hotaru knew what it was like to lose control, to have "someone else" manipulate her actions, and the thought sobered her slightly. ]

I... understand what it's like to lose control.

But just because I understand it, doesn't mean I forgive you.

From:

samantha_grey

I'm not asking you to. I don't deserve forgiveness for it, Hotaru. [She sighed and leaned back.] I... just wanted to say I was sorry, whether you believe it or not.

From:

destructio

[ Pained, she says: ]

Stop that. Stop apologising. I can't stay angry with you when you're like that...

From:

samantha_grey

Do you want me to only be the monster for you? To help you make sense of this? [She closed her eyes and sighed.] I can be the monster if you need it.

From:

destructio

[ Dismayed sigh of her own this time. ]

You keep trying to make this better, why?

From:

samantha_grey

Why shouldn't I? [She sounded confused, not really perturbed but at the same time they were both distressed.] I lost control, kidnapped and raped you while torturing you? Why shouldn't I want to do whatever I can to help ... I don't know, fix this, or at least give you some way to cope? If the best way to help is to go away and never speak to you again I'll do it.

But why shouldn't I want to make up for what I did?

From:

destructio

[ That word was a trigger and without thinking she snapped. ]

Don't call it that!

That... isn't what happened, it was an accident. A series of accidents.

From:

samantha_grey

... I... [Pause. Ok.] An accident, and I went too far. Is that what we want to call it?

From:

destructio

[ Shallow breathing may just have been audible but what wasn't was how tightly Hotaru had been holding the phone with both hands or how glazed her eyes had become. ]

I--yes. Accident. That's... It was an accident.

From:

samantha_grey

Then that's all it was. The Maeve were casting spells, and one of them let out the part of me I usually control better. That's all it was. Not a lie. Just... an accident.

[She swallowed.]

And you don't have to forgive me. I ... don't want to be forgiven. I just want to know what you want now.

From:

destructio

[ She managed to calm herself after a few moments. ]

I don't know. I think I just want... some semblance for a normal life, even if it's just for a while.

From:

samantha_grey

Gods. I can't give you that. It's never going to be completely normal here, Hotaru. I'm sorry. That's something you will find is very difficult to have at all here.

From:

destructio

[ Her voice turned distant, removed. ]

I wonder why I was brought here, there's no good I can do here.

From:

samantha_grey

They don't want you for good things, Hotaru. No matter how kind a couple of them try to seem, we're just here as their whores and slaves. This isn't a good place.

From:

destructio

[ Despite everything that's happened she says, with a hint of her former conviction. ]

Places are difficult to live in, that makes people do questionable things, but I won't let it change me into someone I'm not. I'm not a bad person, and I won't do bad things to other people.

From:

samantha_grey

You keep hold of that. Don't become a monster like me. I was born this way. You don't need to end up like it.

From:

destructio

Sam, you may be different, or not entirely human but maybe that doesn't mean you are a monster. You can do monstrous things and not be a monster.

From:

samantha_grey

Semantics. And semantics won't change what happened. [She swallowed.] I'm surprised you're still talking to me.

From:

destructio

The fact that you're trying to make amends means something, Samantha.

From:

samantha_grey

It's... kind of you to say that. Why... why don't we keep some distance for a bit. I'll wait for you to come and speak to me.

From:

destructio

Maybe that would be best. Don't let the magic here do this to you, okay?

From:

samantha_grey

You... will find it is very hard to resist them at times. [She sighed.] I think I'm going to go have something to eat. Try to rest, Hotaru. Thank you... for being understanding even when you have no reason to be.

From:

destructio

Be the woman you should be.

From:

samantha_grey

Not... easy here. But I'll try. I am supposed to be a hero, after all. Somehow.

From:

destructio

[ Actual hint of a chuckle. ]

Don't you mean heroine?

From:

samantha_grey

Eh? I don't have any poppy seeds right now but why wou... oh, right, heroine. Heh, very funny. [Because yeah... Sam was the sort of hero to get heroin and heroine mixed up.]

From:

destructio

Poppy seeds?

From:

samantha_grey

It's... uh, a terrible joke. If you don't get it, you don't want to. Trust me. [She sighed.] You're kind of ... innocent, aren't you?

[Ignoring that she'd made sure there were no more normal firsts left.]

From:

destructio

[ Her proverbial hackles raised at that, she didn't like being thought of as innocent, especially here. ]

I know all sorts of things, I'm not naive.

From:

samantha_grey

Don't take that the wrong way. I said innocent, not naive. [She swallowed.] An innocent heart wouldn't think of a joke... well, about heroin when someone called them a heroine.

I'm not very innocent, if you hadn't noticed.